With Paganfest 2014 hitting Vancouver tomorrow, I realized
that I would need a replacement for the fur bracers that I lost in a recent
drunken adventure. As I was perusing various sites for a suitable fit, I
remembered that the person I was going with had never gone to a Folk Metal
concert before. I realized that she would need to go through all the basics for
being the most metal person at the concert. Then I realized again that I
shouldn’t limit my knowledge of all that is metal to just her, I’ll tell all
you motherfuckers how to be the most metal person in the fucking venue on your
very first show.
#1. Attire
The clothing for a metal show is almost universally blue
jeans, and a band shirt, with a few varying themes, but the primary genre of
the concert does hold a priority on what you should wear. We’ll go by genre.
Heavy Metal
The least demanding variation. Jeans and a band shirt is the
template, but you’ll need leather somewhere in there. I personally make do with
my studded leather mallcore brat punching gloves.
Thrash Metal
Almost exactly as before, but less leather and more denim.
This is the kind of concert where the patch vest calls home. As long as the
patches fall into the category of metal or rock ‘n’ roll, you’ll be just fine.
At first, this may sound like they belong on a poseur, but skinny jeans and
high tops are classic thrash. And I’m not talking snug fit, I mean crushing
each testicle into your leg, that’s how tight those jeans need to be.
Power Metal
Jeans, steel toed boots and leather. You’ll need some spiked
bracers to show that when you throw up the horns, motherfuckers will need to
duck out of the way. As for your vest, make sure it’s prepped to be a battle
vest. What’s a battle vest? You miserable bitch, it’s a patch vest lined with
chain mail! Don’t have access to chain mail? Fuck you, go buy a couple dozen
bike chains and improvise.
Doom Metal
Chances are, you live in a town or city that has a church.
Chances are, that church has a priest with the dress and everything. Chances
are, like most priests, they are susceptible to chains and broken beer bottles.
And you, being a metalhead, know innately how to ruin any kind of clothing to
make it metal. You do the math.
Black Metal
Black. All Black. All fucking black. Black boots, black
jeans, bland band shirt, black leather vest and/or jacket, black hair. Not a
natural brunette? Well tough fucking shit, you’re not allowed into the concert.
Death Metal
A Death Metal concert is probably the only kind of concert
that camo pants/shorts are accepted, albeit not necessarily encouraged. Nobody
knows why, but it just is. Open wounds will turn some heads, and allow them to
open up in the pit, spreading your metal to everyone in attendance. It’s a
public service!
Progressive Metal
The mathematical equations required to accurately convey the
proper clothing for a progressive metal concert are so above your feeble mind,
I might as well just let you go to a Prog concert so you can be beaten up as a
poseur rightfully should.
Folk Metal
This is entirely dependent on your locale. From
Finland? Kill a moose with your bare
hands and attach the antlers to your skull, wearing its skin to gain its
strength. Canada? Go diving in the river collecting beaver pelts and arm wrestling
grizzlies for their bear hands. Australia?...well, you’re jolly well fucked.
But one of the rules is that you must walk from the wilderness into the
concert, and if you have fewer than eight twigs in your hair, you better hike
back and do it all over again.
#2. Pre-show
Before you go, you’ll need food. It’s going to be a long
night, and you’re gonna have to keep your energy up. Hit up wherever the fuck
you want, just make sure you’ve had enough to fill a bomb shelter. Doesn’t
matter where you eat, if you’ve had the proper amount of beer, you’ll throw it
up anyway.
By the time you got to the show, you’ve probably realized
how fucking out of your league that you’re anxiously shaking. Fret not, just
lean up against the concrete wall, and very subtly smash your skull against it
repeatedly. You’ll eventually damage the area of your brain that concerns such
things, or kill yourself. Either way is a win-win. On one hand, you’ll go
through the whole night without making a poseur of yourself, or you’ll have died
recreating Accept’s Balls to the Wall video.
Once you get in the doors, you’ll have access to booze of
several varieties and the merch booths-
#2.5 Spotting a poseur
The chances of a poseur in any show are always greater than
1%, damn near no exceptions. Here’s a short list of the common signs that
someone is a poseur, unfamiliar to our ways.
-Ear gauges
-lamb of god, Soilwork or Children of Bodom shirt, one of
those bands that’re those “melodic groovecore” shit that people think
transcends all genres.
-Glasses
-Doesn’t drink even one beer
-Is wearing a shirt of the band performing (the exception is
if they got the shirt at the merch booth from the concert you’re currently at,
or if it’s a festival)
-Checks out your ass (regardless of gender or sexual orientation).
This is a concert, not a fuck zone, we don’t need people banging each other in
the disease ridden bathroom.
There are many others, but you can pick up on it on your
own.
#2. Pre-show
-where you can have a good chance to take any potential fights for some free shit. In the middle of a brawl? throw a shirt and attempt to blind your foe, then knock him unconscious. Take the shirt and flee to safety to don it.
Depending on the concert, there’ll be a mosh pit, although some bands in all
genres will have one regardless.
If you suspect a pit, you’ll want to get a good idea of how the
floor will be once it’s inevitably drenched in beer. For example, the
Rickshaw’s floor is the same kind of stuff that’s under the ice at your average
hockey rink. This means that once it’s wet, you’re sliding around like you
forgot your skates. But to offset that, the heat generated from the pit will
cause the beer to dry quickly, making the floor much stickier, thus giving you
more traction.
#3. The show
This is the easiest part of the show. Simply headbang and
throw up the horns when you feel like it. Take no shame in getting some air or
a fresh beer every now and then. It’s going to be a long night. As for the
horns…
If you ever, ever stick out your thumb, you are not metal.
You are pissing on the legacy of our lord and savior Ronnie James Dio by besmirching
the holiest of symbols. If you see someone else perverting our sign, sentence
them to death in the pit. Speaking of which…
#4. The Pit
The mosh pit is a treasured tradition dating back to when
our people first met those of the punk rock clan, and we have not stopped this
sacred dance since. There are three basic forms of mosh pit, Your average pit,
a circle pit in which all participants move clockwise, or counter clockwise,
and the wall of death which is as metal as it sounds. There are three roles to
play in a mosh pit and I will outline them as most, to least metal
-Mosher
You are in the middle of it. Trading blows with your
brothers in arms. The only acceptable forms of body contact in the pit are
pushing with outstretched arms, and hockey-style body checking. This is the
perfect time to legally lay some hurt onto the poseurs you scoped out in the
line. As for ladies, do not discriminate, treat them no differently than you’d
treat another man. They expect nothing less from you.
-Bumper
The main line of defense for the average concert goer,
without you, they’re all dead. Your job is to push back anyone who falls into
you accidentally. Should someone fall near you, pick them up and push them back
in where they were going, they’ll need the extra momentum. Should someone fall
in the middle of the pit, don’t be a hero, it’s too late for them.
-Buffer
Your role is the least important. You stand behind the
bumper to cushion the impact for the people behind you.
It is inevitable that the pit will result in a fist fight,
and if you’re not a part of it, simply step back and cheer on the truest
participant until the bouncer comes in to ruin the show.
#5. After-show
Congratulations, you’ve survived your first concert thanks
to my guidance and looked like a seasoned metal veteran while doing so. Unless that
is, you’ve deviated from my perfect formula and wound up in a ditch, so good
fucking going.
For my guide on how to save your ass, you’re going to have
to wait a few months. I’m going to partake in an epic drunken escapade with
Korpiklaani. Hopefully Turisas has forgotten how to play their last album
tomorrow night.
