This post was originally supposed to be re-done but I decided against it. I've always preferred demo work anyways.
About a year or two ago, my non-metal friend invited me to go see a horror movie for his birthday. Being a bit of a gorehound I decided to indulge. Although, the only horrifying thing that occurred that evening was the fact that I had to spend it with the other people he invited, one of those being my fucking nemesis. This asshole was infected with falseness from the very minute he laid hands on a guitar. He squeals at the mentioning of Whitechapel, he worships Trivium and most likely lost his virginity to an August Burns Red CD.
So, we go see the shitty Silent Hill sequel, come back to my place because my friend and his pawns all live a fortnight away, and we play some video games. I had already started drinking upon seeing the poseur, so I had to take a piss. When I came back downstairs, the motherfucker had not only stood near my guitar, not only breathed near it, not only touched it, but he was fucking playing it, and putting it severely out of fucking tune. I was so stunned by his audacity that I couldn’t even muster up the proper response (which is to punch, him in the gut and slam his face into the pavement outside). I attempted to calm down, and make sure he hadn’t touched any of my decrepit records that I’ve rescued from pawn shops. Luckily they were untainted.
So, I then pick up my bass to try and ignore what the fuck was going on, when the poseur (not catching any of the fucking hints) comes over to recommend some of his shitty “Tech death” bands. I add the quotes because they all just sounded like watered down Dark Tranquillity…So basically current Dark Tranquillity. I’m getting near the point, bear with me. So I counter all his shitty sludgy, proggy mallcore shit with naught but true vanguards of steel and then he says one of the many things you can say to permanently reduce what metal credibility you could ever have. “I’ll admit, you’re more metal than me-“
Conversation over. It’s done. We don’t need to continue here. You just fucking said why I shouldn’t bother with you. I knew I was more metal than you before we even met, I don’t need you of all people to tell me. I could never be more disgusted by the fact that we are currently sharing the same room as I am now. You admit that anyone, FUCKING ANYONE is more metal than you and you still think that you can talk to me as if we’re equals?
When you walk among your true brethren, this subject never comes up. Know why? Because we’re all more metal than each other. True Metal as a state of mind comes from never admitting that anybody could be more metal than you are, with the rare exception of a future version of yourself. It’s this state of perfect arrogance in which you are a god, and all who walk among you are equal as such. Once someone comes out from the metal closet and concedes their metal cred, it breaks the fucking chain. Here’s one of your brothers, someone who you’ve moshed with or headbanged in unision, eagerly anticipated the release of an album or forthcoming of a concert. And now he’s just told you that was all a lie? What the everlasting fuck?
Now before you state the obvious, yes, the mallcore brat was lying, as I knew from the second he clumsily blurted it out of his mouth. Why? Obviously, it was an attempt to get me to accept him as a friend. This is damn near worse than saying that, and meaning it. I ask any of you reading this, are you so fucking desperate for a friend that you’d be willing to give up the one thing keeping you truly metal?
If your answer was anything other than “Fuck Metallica!!!” I await the day I pummel you into the pit.
The recap to the Amon Amarth concert is forthcoming, bitch.
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