Slipknot!? Still?!

Let me put together the setting for you. You're in your local record store and making a beeline to the microscopic metal section, when you notice another has taken the position of viewing which albums he'll illegally download later. You analyze him. Long hair, goatee, Exodus shirt, jeans and boots. This motherfucker sure looks the part. You walk beside him and blatantly, but very casually pick up the new Kreator live album even though you already have, and possibly illegally downloaded it. you look at the track listing, subtly facing the front towards the other guy so he can see it. He turns to you and asks if you're going to their show coming up, and thus the Metalhead equivalent of ass-sniffing has begun.

You talk of upcoming shows, local bands, preference of instruments and whatnot. Regale of past battles in the pit, and talk about the biggest poseurs you've met of recent memory. Then he drops the bomb. He casually looks at the stack of CD's in his possession, rightfully returning Dark Tranquillity's latest Depeche Mode worship but picks up an even greater aggression against True Metal. Slipknot. Immediately, I spat on his boots and pulled a u-turn, pushing over the Angry Birds merchandise and kicking down a wall of small sized comic nerd shirts on the way out.

And that scene bro behind the counter was going to be a father

This is not a rare occurrence. Every so often, I'll come across someone who has impeccable taste in music. Moonsorrow, Savatage, a guy who dislikes Stratovarius' new album and thinks that Time I gets too much crap. But for some reason they still hang on to Slipknot like its no big deal. I know Slipknot isn't too high on the false metal radar nowadays, especially when things like Asking Alexandria are sexually abusing any device used to record audio, but while hating Slipknot is as passe as hating Korn, so is liking Slipknot. To the five of you who don't know, Slipknot is a band of 9 people who wear stupid masks and jumpsuits, number themselves then get on stage banging trash cans, timpani, playing guitars with four redundant strings, have a second guitarist for no god damned reason and has a guy with a turntable.

Didn't know Pinhead had a personal set of gimps

If you are a proper metalhead, you should have noticed several things wrong as hell with the above description. Firstly, you don't need to be an astrophysicist to know that this is a Nu Metal band. No truest of the true band should in any right have a turntable as an instrument, and while we're at it, neither is a sampler, whatever the fuck that is. If you have 3 percussionists, YOU HAVE TOO MANY PERCUSSIONISTS. Also, why in fuck everlasting do you have more than one guitarist? This is perhaps the most subtle "hey, lets get all our other friends in the band too!" thing, because most legitimate metal bands nowadays have a reason for a second guitarist. For the harmony, playing counter riffs, emphasizing power chords, playing rhythm for the solo or having a dueling solo. 

This is Nu Metal. Expecting any of this shit is giving it too much credit. You know, I feel like I'm just blurting out the most obvious shit possible, so I'll skip Corey Taylor and get back to my main point. Slipknot is not metal. I don't care if you worship the lord Ronnie James Dio with a passion as much as I do, you'll not earn the right to wield the horns until you cast aside your dildo mask.

Safeword! SAFEWORD!!!

I have an idea for the next post, so it may come earlier. But I don't fucking know.